Video Game Enemies: The Most Pathetic We Know


Video game enemies are supposed to inspire fear and let the player know they’ll have no easy time simply running past them or faking them out. If a player want to reach their objective, they’ll have to go directly through their foes with all they have.

Some video game enemies are not fearsome, however. Some video game enemies exist to be either outright laughed at, or serve as shameless cannon fodder for you to mow through, as more intimidating enemies serve the primary battlefield antagonists.

 

Video Game Enemies: The Most Pathetic We Know

 

10. Unarmed Thugs (Arkham Series)

As you can imagine, pretty much every enemy is pathetic when you’re the Batman. But, as you relentlessly flow from thug to thug with surgical precision, delivering jaw shattering kicks and punches like a bat-themed God of War , no enemies typify the Batman’s sheer badassery quite like the average Arkham series thugs do.

These guys are hopeless, completely unarmed and forced to swing sluggish fists, even then they provide a helpfully clear counter. These goons are completely at the mercy of any and all takedowns, gadgets, and combos the Batman can send their way but hey, at least some of them are smart enough to pick up guns.

 

9. Koopa Troopa (Mario)

When you think of pathetic in the Mario franchise your mind goes to the Goomba. A helplessly shuffling, impotently angry tiny mushroom, that takes only a stomp to put away. So why does the Koopa Troopa take its place on this pathetic video game enemies list?

Well, the Koopa Troopa is everything the Goomba is – inoffensive, somewhat adorable, and defeated with a stomp. The key difference being the Koopa can then actually be kicked at his former allies, only becoming of any use at all when in your hands for the purpose of being kicked at his comrades. Iconic as the Koopa Troopas may be, they really make you doubt Bowser’s strategic capabilities.

 

8. Head-Crab Zombies (Half Life)

These video game enemies are shambling, menacing, and most pivotally with a freaking terrifying crab on their heads. Head crab zombies seem to be pulled straight from our collective nightmares and placed into Half Life solely to terrify us,

But somewhere along the line somebody focused a little too much on ‘shambling’ and not nearly enough on ‘menacing’. Though almost absurdly scary in appearance, they’re easily and quickly dealt with, even in groups, by firearms and crowbars. Just be sure you don’t try and head butt them; we don’t think that would work.

 

7. Any Wrestler (WWE 2k15)

Boasting its fair share of bone jarring slams and crippling submissions, one thing the WWE games has never had to do was be complicated. This has never been so prominent than in the most recent game, WWE 2K15, wherein the much hyped ‘career mode’ (the game’s flagship feature), completely lacked a difficulty setting, making every match a similar, formulaic, and exceedingly easy affair.

Though there are some road-bumps early on (we’re looking at you, Bo Dallas) after you quickly hit your stride you’ll be mowing through people and claiming titles like a genetic freak, and the only thing lower than the level of difficulty, is the satisfaction you feel for winning each match.

 

6. Grunts (Halo)

The Grunts (known in their tongue as the ‘Unggoy’) are jokes. Complete, utter jokes whose only meaning in existence is to be ordered around by aliens larger and more intimidating than they are. Think that’s harsh? Consider their entire existence.

Turning and comedically running in fear the second their commanding officer is slain, and making up the lowest caste of the Covenant’s social hierarchy, the term ‘Spartan fodder’ is almost too good for Grunts. I guess that’s to be expected from video game enemies who gets the majority of their nutrition from a ‘food nipple’.

 

5. Kremlings (Donkey Kong)

If you were told that you’d be put up against a race of anthropomorphic alligator pirates, you’d likely turn tail and run. We also wouldn’t blame you. But, if you were told the alligator pirates were the Kremling from Donkey Kong, you’d probably turn right back and go to town slaying them one-by-one.

The Kremling are mere road bumps in one ape’s journey throughout the lands, as they can be quickly dispatched with a hop on the head. The thing that makes these video game enemies so pathetic is  just how much of a letdown their reality is compared to the image their description conjures up. If you’re going to include pirate alligators in your game, at least make them as absurdly terrifying as their name denotes.

 

4. Infantry (Dynasty Warriors)

The Dynasty Warriors series is about as fast-paced and over the top as it gets. Based on a series of wildly popular novels, the ultimate goal of the game is to complete key objectives whilst taking out enemy officers. All the while, you’ll be subconsciously mowing down vast, screen swarming armadas of infantry units that pose about as much threat as an ant crawling up a great lion’s legs as your kill-count reaches satisfyingly dizzy heights.

One swing of your pole arm sees 5 added to your counter, the next bumps it up another 10 and the crescendo of your combo rockets it up by 50, for as much fun as it is to part the red sea of useless infantrymen, we can’t help but feel a little bad for them.

 

3. Poo Snake (Blue Dragon)

Poo Snakes. That’s right, Poo Snakes. The Blue Dragon series is known for many things – innovative gameplay, enthralling combat, and the first Xbox 360 game to utilize three disks. But it’s also known for Poo Snakes.

Snakes with a body resembling the defecation after which they are named, these woefully pathetic enemies don’t really pose much of a threat, as you could expect, except maybe on your nostrils. At least their unanimous leader, ‘King Poo’, a great big Golden Poo Snake, poses quite the threat as one of the game’s bosses. But, seriously, he’s still a Poo Snake.

 

2. Rats (Every RPG, Ever)

A role-playing game just wouldn’t be a role-playing game without its share of rodents. However abundant they are, that’s all they ever manage to be, just pests. Only even remotely troublesome at the absolute lowest of levels, and mere pixels to wade through when you hit level 2, this doesn’t stop developers everywhere from including them in every game, sometimes as a self aware joke.

From Runescape to Fallout (yes, Mole Rats count) our rodent video game enemies have become more of a stalwart companion than anything else, but only because they’re too pathetic to truly consider a foe.

 

1. Magikarp (Pokémon)

If you wanted one of our video game enemies to truly embody and epitomize the very concept of utter uselessness, then look no further than Magikarp. Granted, he’s not only an enemy (you can make use of him in your own team, if you’re into that sort of masochism), it’s always best to view him as one, as seeing one of these guys wail around in complete helplessness is much funnier if they’re on the opponent’s side of the field.

Fortunately for him, when he dings level 20 he becomes a mammoth serpentine monstrosity that puts many other Pokémon to shame. Until that point, though, Magikarp fully earns his reputation as a perpetual running joke that has expanded even beyond the Pokémon fan-base in terms of notoriety. We just hope you didn’t waste the money on one of these suckers from the Magikarp Salesman.

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So, did we miss any particularly pathetic video game enemies out? For all the video game enemies seen throughout the years in gaming, we’ve only included 10 video game enemies, so there must be some missing from our pathetic video game enemies list. Let us know about your lovable, but pathetic video game enemies in the comments below.

Thanks for reading, gamers, and we’ll see you in the next one.